The Lesser Sex

Note to self: never google "the lesser sex". yikes.

It's hard being a woman at times. For example...Home Depot. Seriously, I have had so many bad experiences there as a woman that I've sworn off returning so many times.

But I found myself there again today. I needed 2x4's. Quite a lot of 2x4's. Among other things, but the wood was the only item that I needed help with. So I perused the lumber area. Searching for that orange vested person to help me out, feeling ignored and intimidated. Finally I found a young man to assist me. He seemed annoyed. He seemed like the type of person who was generally annoyed most of the time. Even with the attitude he was actually very helpful. He got my 2x4's, 4x4's and even took the time to cut seven of the 12 footers to help me out. So nice. So he annoyingly dragged my stuff to the counter and said "well, there you go". I think that was the first thing he said to me for the whole 30 minutes he had just spent with me.

I paid for my wood and then considered how difficult it was going to be for me to get that to my van. hmmm. So the annoyed-looking cashier, seeing the expression on my face, said she would call for someone to assist me. During my one hour (or longer) stay at home depot I heard over the speaker several times about what carts to use with what you are purchasing and then asking for assistance with getting heavy items to your car. Sounded nice. So I waited for my assistance. For another 30 minutes. Ms. Cashier Lady seemed to have forgotten that I was in need of assistance (even though I was blocking her checkout line and the exit door with my large amount of 2x4's). So I decided that I could do it myself. I'm a strong woman. I don't need any help from any man. ROAR.

I left my cart of wood and got pulled my van around to the contractor pickup. As soon as I started wheeling that heavy cart out the door I knew I was a bit over my head. I'm no weakling but, seriously, the cart was awkward and weighed like 500 pounds. But I was determined now. So I pushed on smashing into a few things as I went and pinning myself between the cart and the door on the way out. But I, of course, pretended that I knew exactly what I was doing. I got the cart to the van and started loading up the wood. I was about 2 boards in when I noticed someone watching me. Awkward. It was a man who had just finished loading up his giant truck with stuff. He walked over, didn't say a word and started putting the 2x4's in my van. I thanked him (really, SO nice). Then he said "where's your husband" in a way that made me feel like he though my husband was a total deadbeat, sitting at home on the couch, sending his wife out to pick up 500 lbs. of 2x4's all by her self. And on mother's day (**gasp**).! He said "It's Mother's Day, You should be at home relaxing or at the spa." hmmm. So I explained that my husband was at home working on a project that was totally my idea (painting our bedroom) while I went out to pick up wood for another project that was also all my idea (new chicken run).

This mother's day really was the best. I got to spend a lot of time with my little girl and my husband. I got to paint my bedroom (getting stuff done in the house ALWAYS makes me happy). I could have done without that trip to Home Depot BUT I have all the stuff I need to get my chicken run finished this week. Ah, the things that make me happy :)

Emptiness

I don't want to be one of those people who goes through a tough time, becomes jaded and isn't happy for others.

I am truly happy for all my expecting mom friends. And literally 80% of my friends are pregnant right now. Or maybe it just seems that way. So many are due in late July or early August...the same time that I would have been due. I keep hearing the updates about doctor visits, ultrasounds, hearing the heartbeat, feeling the baby move for the first time, etc. I should be experiencing these things. Instead, I'm left with a strange empty feeling. Anyone who has had a baby or lost a baby knows that feeling. I remember after I had Lucy feeling such a sense of relief to not be so full of baby. I could move freely, bend over to tie my shoes, walk without waddling, but I also felt empty. I missed having her move around, the constant comfort that she was safely tucked away inside of my womb. It wasn't a something I thought much about because the emptiness was replaced with a baby constantly in my arms.

The thing is, I'm not even really sad when I have this thought on my mind. It's just a strange feeling. Like something should be happening and it isn't. I just feel a bit like I'm missing out on something. I would be finding out soon what the sex would be. And in my heart I knew "it" was a she.

I am finally starting to feel like trying again. Yes, I will be a paranoid mess throughout the whole pregnancy.

This is kind of a downer of a post. I seriously don't feel sad at all. My heart is so full of joy right now with how amazing my husband and my little Lucy are. Spring is (feeling like it is) here and I have this weight lifted off of my shoulders that the dark, snowy weather brings on me. Spending time outside, the fresh air, having the windows open and being inspired to do so many things that just seemed like too much of a hassle during the long winter months. Even Lucy has become so much happier this week. She feels it too.

2009 according to my iphone

I remember when this gadget called the iphone was first announced. I overheard someone say that it was going to change the world. I scoffed at the original $600 price tag. I mean $600 for a phone? Sheesh. And then they came out. And all of my nerdy coworkers stood in line to get theirs. And then the price dropped. So I finally joined the bandwagon.

I still have my first generation iphone. Not 3G, not 3Gs, just a regular ole iphone. And I can't live without it. I feel, well, connected when I have it. My email, internet, camera, many many fun apps that have kept me busy (or wasted my time) and it even works as a phone.

The other thing about always having this handy gadget on me is the camera. I have a camera with me at all times. I don't have to lug around my Nikon or even my little casio point and shoot. I always have a camera with me. So here's a little sampling of what my iphone helped me to record when I didn't have my camera with me...



you can view it (slightly) larger here...

Lucy ate a dog biscuit and I stole some shoes

Friday was a bit of a calamity. It was one of those days when I felt like I was totally losing my mind. Several times throughout the day.

They day started with a quick trip to Target. No big deal. Just running a few errands. It ended in disaster with Lucy having a complete meltdown. Being the mean mom I am, I wouldn't let her suck on the straps that hold her in the shopping cart (eww). Then to make it worse I took away the dog collar that we were purchasing for Ellie (that she was also sucking on). She lost it. LOST IT. People were actually peeking around the corner of the pet supply aisle, certain to find a woman abusing her child. UGH. I took her out of the cart, screaming, wiggling, pushing and straighting her body making it almost impossible to hold on to her, and quickly headed for the checkout counter. On the way there we encountered Ms. Crabby Lady who actually grunted in disgust at me for not swerving my cart out of her way. Um, hello? I'm trying to push a cart jam packed full with one arm while holding little melt-down girl with the other. So sorry to inconvenience YOU. I got through checkout ASAP and quickly headed for the car. Lucy got strapped into her car seat and smiled at me and said "mama". Nice. She obviously had no idea what she had just put me through. I unloaded everything from the cart and noticed a pair of baby shoes tucked under her diaper bag. Not paid for. No, I didn't unload her and take her back in to give the shoes back. Don't look at me like that. Yes, I will take them back because the guilt is bothering me.

After we had been home for a while I decided to go for a long walk with Lucy and Ellie. Before we left Winston needed to go out so I started getting everyone organized. Trying to put a leash on an excited, very large puppy while holding a wiggly toddler isn't easy. I opened the door and Winston, Ellie and the cat all darted out. I grabbed a bag of dog biscuits because that almost always works for getting both dog's attention. By this time Winston had the cat pinned down in the middle of the yard. Awesome. Lucy grabbed the dog treats out of my hands and started shaking them. Dog biscuits all over the garage. The dogs came running and started fighting over them. So I strapped Lucy into her stroller and started grabbing biscuits off the floor as fast as the dogs were eating them. I stood up just in time to see Lucy happily jamming one of the biscuits in her mouth. Of course she swallowed before I could pry it out. gross. At least it was an organic dog biscuit.

the power of the nap

Baby naps are a magical thing. PM (pre-mom) I was clueless as to how long a baby would need to sleep during the day.

And it is amazing how much can be accomplished while she sleeps. Knowing I have a time limit, I am a woman on a mission. Cleaning, organizing, getting to my never ending "list", cooking, laundry, gardening etc. If I had the whole day wide open to accomplish this stuff I would probably end up doing nothing. (I know this by personal experience PM). It's the limited time frame that is my motivation.

But. BUT. Now that summer is here I find myself getting a little impatient with her sleeping. Not that long ago I would LIVE for her naps but I now find myself wishing she would wake up so we can go do something fun. This warmer weather is great for getting outside and doing stuff. I am so glad I have a good napper but do nearly one-year-olds really need two 2-hour naps a day?!

A tooth!

At 11 1/2 months our little Lucy girl is actually finally getting her first tooth. It has been threatening to pop out for some time now. There has been a little bubble right there on her gums for about a week. Just yesterday I got to have a peek at it and touched it without her protesting too much and sure enough, the tooth has officially made it's appearance!

Surprisingly, it has come about without much fuss. Like usual, Lucy handles things in the complete opposite way that I would expect. Instead of crying, fussing, drooling, etc. she has decided to sleep. A lot. She has taken two long three hour naps each day for the last few days and still slept all night long. Amazing. I had heard so many horror stories about those teeth coming through that I expected the worst. Lucy is just proving again that she likes to do things her own way.

Also, today I have to point out that I am missing something here at work. I don't have my pump. I didn't forget it. I chose not to bring it. I have decidedly slowed the pumping almost to not at all. It is a strange and freeing feeling. To not pack up the pump, cords, wires, pump parts, cooler, ice packs. This routine that I have been doing for the past 11 months. I almost feel like a weight has been taken off of me. Not lugging this pack around with me everywhere I go like an extra appendage. Not having to stop work or whatever else I am doing every 3 hours to hook up to that annoying machine only to see a tiny amount come out. I would like to think that if I saw gallons coming out that I would keep going with the pumping. ;)

It's strange to think back now at how consumed I was with the pumping. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy I did it...I'm so happy that I worked so hard. Even though I struggled so much I still consider myself a success. I have fed my baby. I have given her the best start to life. I have done ALL that I could do for her. She is healthier because of it. And I am not saying that I am weaning her. I will let her nurse for as long as she needs. We have our special bonding time in the morning that it doesn't seem like either of us are quite ready to stop anytime soon.

dumbfounded.

Conversation with the waitress last night at dinner.

Waitress: Wow, she is a pretty baby!
Me: Thanks!
Waitress: How old is she?
Me: 8 months and two weeks.
Waitress: My sister has a 15 month. He never cries.
Me: (blank stare)
Waitress: He's a good baby. If he starts fussing she just tells him to stop and he does.
Me: (ugh, here we go)
Waitress: It's because when he was little, like her age (pointing at Lucy), she would just leave a bottle for him, ya know, in his crib and when he would cry at night he would just get a drink on his own and fall back to sleep. You have to, you know, train them.
Me:

Thankfully Lucy did her super cute head shaking back and forth and her loud noises that accompany it to break the silence.

I love parenting advice. Especially from people who aren't parents (insert sarcastic tone here).

content

Philippians 4:11
“Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.”

Such a simple verse. Such a difficult thing to learn.

Being content. Being perfectly happy in any situation you are faced with.

How often have I been truly content in my life? How many times have I longed for something to change. Something new, something different. Forgetting how wonderful everything is in that moment. Then it changes and I look back and wish for it to be like it was.

How many women are longing to become a mother. They see a woman cradling a child and desperately wish it was her, holding their own baby. But they don’t see what the mother has struggled with that day. The hours spent comforting a crying baby, changing messy diapers, not having a moment to herself. The mother might look at that girl without a child with envy. Wishing for the days when they could stay out late, sleep in, hop in her car at a moments notice and meet some friends for coffee.

Lucy is teaching me to be content. This morning my mind was racing with all the things I needed to accomplish today. Work, laundry, cleaning, exercise, the list goes on. My window of time to get a lot done was her morning nap. I can usually count on at least an hour to jam as much as I can get done while she sleeps. She had other plans. I quickly rocked her and laid her down. Not happening. I could see that she was tired so I ran off hoping she would fall asleep on her own. Nope. She needed me. In that moment she needed to be held. I picked her up and plopped down in the rocker again for another try. Trying to put a time limit on how quickly I can put her back down and get to my list. My mind racing about the dirty dishes in the sink, the crumbs on the counter and the hours of work still needing to be finished today. But all I can do is sit. It doesn’t take long and she is nestled on my chest, her breathing slows, her thumb in her mouth and a blanket wadded up in her little hand. And here I am. The dishes don’t matter. The laundry doesn’t matter because this is where I am needed. And this is more important. She is content. And I am finally content.

Lucy, Month Eight

Lucy,

Oh, Sweetie Pie, you are on the move. The second you figured out how to crawl two weeks ago you have been in nonstop motion. You had been trying so hard to figure out how to become mobile and it was so fun seeing it all click. You had been getting on your hands and knees rocking back and forth for a few weeks. Then you figured out that you had to lift one hand to get forward, usually ending in a face plant and lots of crying. Then you started lifting one hand and balancing on one arm and your two legs. And then one day it just clicked. You were so annoyed with me for not letting you put your boots in your mouth and when I put them just a little out of reach you went for them. We both had a look of surprise on our faces! Ever since then there has been no stopping you. I am amazed at how quickly you can get across the room. You seem to only go for items that are clearly not baby toys. Why are power cords so attractive to you? I think you will be learning the word “no” very soon as you hear it a lot now.

I don’t think Ellie is very happy about you crawling. She has made that known by a.) peeing in your room next to your crib and b.) “exerting her dominance” over you (ie…humping). Bad dog.

You have found comfort in pinching me. When you are uncomfortable in any way, you get the tiniest piece of skin that your little fingers can grab and squeeze. We were at a party a few weeks ago for the super bowl with a lot of people you didn’t know and I left with tiny little bruises all over my chest.

You love your swimming class. Your dad has been taking you into the pool every week while I watched from the sidelines. One week he had a hair appointment so I decided to brave putting on a bathing suit for the first time since you were born (ugh) and take you. You were having so much fun that I completely forgot how awful I felt that I looked! LOL. You splash and kick and giggle for almost the entire lesson.

You have become proficient at clapping your hands and waving this month. You especially love to wave at that little baby in the mirror that is in almost every room. Thankfully she waves back. You also love to dance. You shake your head back and forth and flail your arms all around.

You still don’t really want to eat solid foods. There are times when you gobble up more than a tablespoon of food but usually you don’t want to have anything to do with it. You especially dislike the cleanup after meals. Having your face wiped is one of your least favorite things ever and you aren’t shy about letting us know it. You love water. You get so excited any time you get your sippy cup. And you love to drink out of our water glasses too.

In general you are still such a good sleeper*. We are so thankful for that. Sometimes you wake up at night for no real reason other than you just want to keep us on our toes. You are going to sleep around 7:30, wake up about 11:30 to eat and sleep until 6:00. Sometimes you will go back to sleep in our bed if we have a day that we can sleep in. You love to cuddle usually end up kicking, smacking me, and sticking your fingers in my nose and eyes. So you sleep in and I just lay there getting reminded that you are next to me.
*you had about a week of rough nights this month where you just couldn’t sleep at all. I blame teething.

You love, love, love it when your dad comes home from work. You get so excited you practically turn yourself inside out.

Sweetie, I honestly don’t even remember what my life was like before you came. You have changed everything and I am a better person because of it. I love spending time with you and watching you grow and learn. You are the best part of my day!

Love,
Mommy

sleep deprived

I need to be reminded today that this too will pass.

Lucy has decided that sleeping is no fun when there are so many things around her to discover. This past week she has been a great sleeper between the hours of 8pm and 11:30pm. Almost exactly the time I settle in and fall asleep she wakes up and has no plans on falling back to sleep. Ever. I think we got spoiled with her sleeping 12 hours at night and only waking up for 20 minutes to eat sometime during those 12 hours. I tried not to brag but I did. Now look where that got me. ;)

As a side note...cosleeping isn't helping. She spends all night playing with my nose holes, eyes, hair and kicking me in the gut, "talking", giggling, fussing, etc. Suggestions are welcomed.

The glass is half full

I’m trying to think on the bright side. Dealing with a low milk supply has been one of the most difficult things I have been through. I had every intention of breastfeeding and never even considered that the one thing that was supposed to be so natural would be so, well, unnatural. I figured when women didn’t breastfeed their babies that they just hadn’t tried hard enough or had been selfish and given up too early. Having gone through this I will never judge anyone again. While feeding a baby isn’t the only aspect that there is to being a mother, those first few months it is easy for it to take precedence. Food is pretty much the main thing other than love that you can give a tiny infant. While I made every effort to solely breastfeed (and I’m glad that I don’t have any regrets for not trying literally everything) my body had other plans. But I kept on. Instead of having all that bonding time with my baby I was hooked up to a damn machine to pump the few little ounces that would come out per day.

But this isn’t a sob story. As I am a glass half full kind of girl and now that I’m done with all that new mom haze here is what I have discovered. I produced on average 11 ounces per day. That’s certainly not enough to feed a growing person. BUT I did the math…Lucy has been here for 226 days and to date I have produced approximately 2,486 ounces. Not bad when I look at it that way. If I had given up in the beginning when breastfeeding wasn’t going as planned Lucy would have missed out on lots of ounces of her mom’s milk. And as an added bonus she just started to nurse again about a month ago. So yea, while we haven’t had a typical breastfeeding relationship I am so grateful that we have been able to stick with it.

Maybe God has allowed me to go through this to prepare me for my next baby. Maybe I wouldn’t appreciate how precious a nursing relationship can be. Maybe I would have been annoyed if she wanted to nurse all the time. Maybe I would have resented her for making me step out of the room at social events because she wanted to comfort nurse. I pray that if I am able to solely nurse my next baby that I will understand the amazingness of it and cherish every moment.

Looking Back

I was just going through some old pictures in my iphoto and came across these. I'm so glad we captured this moment. I've never experienced any other moment that has been so life changing. Getting pregnant with Lucy was a surprise and I'm glad it happened that way. The look on my face really shows it. Panic mixed with excitement and surprise. Indescribable. 

Things I've learned about being a mom...

I haven’t been a mom for long but there are a few key important things I have learned in the last 7 months…

1. There is nothing better than when a baby smiles at you for the first time and it’s not gas.
2. Newborns sleep a lot, just not at night.
3. I can hold my pee for longer than I ever thought possible.
4. Pacifiers are not bad when they are needed. Some babies need to suck all the time and it isn’t easy to grocery shop with a baby attached to your boob.
5. Diaper wipes can be used to clean almost anything.
6. I didn’t know how patient I could be.
7. Having a baby changes a marriage. I didn’t expect to fall in love with my husband even more.
8. Never discuss sleeping arrangements or vaccinations. People are strongly opinionated on these topics. It’s like bringing up politics.
9. I never really knew what busy was before I had a baby.
10. It’s good to listen to advice but only follow what feels right for me and my family.
11. Diaper Blowouts only happen when you are ready to head out the door.
12. Packing a baby to run out sometimes takes as long as the time you will be out.
13. I can do almost any household task with a baby strapped to me.
14. I can eat an entire dinner in under 2 minutes.
15. When the doctor tells you it’s ok to resume normal sexual activity in six weeks it’s ok to think that six months won’t be enough time.
16. Don’t always take what the doctor says as the best alternative.
17. Little girls can spray pee too.
18. When the baby is new and you are still getting to know each other it is ok to say no to visitors.
19. Attachment parenting is the best way to parent.

Peas

She ate peas!! We’ve been trying to get her to eat solids and she finally has been showing some interest!! The peas has been one of her favorites so far. That’s my girl...eatin’ her veggies ;).

Oh, and I don’t know why people buy baby food in jars. I bought some as backup (organic, of course) and that stuff is expensive! I spent some time this weekend steaming veggies, pureeing it and freezing it in little ice cube trays. So easy.

Lucy, Month Seven

Lucy,

Has it really been 7 months already? You are developing quite a big personality! It is fun to see you learn new things. Every time you learn something new you will do it almost constantly for several days and then move onto the next thing.

We are still on “tooth watch 09”. Nothing yet. You go through times when you are trying so hard for those things to make an appearance. You will gnaw on a toy like crazy until you are yelling at the toy for daring to make your gums hurt. One week they will really be bugging you and then the next week it all just seems to go away and still no teeth.

You still aren’t very interested in eating solids. We keep tryin’, you keep spitting it out, screaming, or just spreading it all over your face, head, clothes, and mommy.

You are the sweetest little cuddly love bug first thing in the morning. You don’t wake up crying. I usually find you in your crib on all fours looking around. When I pick you up you are so genuinely happy to see me. You give me a big open mouth toothless grin and it makes me melt. Then I walk you in to our room and you see your dad and your little face lights up again.

You started babbling this month. You love “talking” to us especially when it is time for you to go to bed. You lay there telling us stories in your own language. Your favorite words sound like “NaNaNaNa” and I am trying so hard to turn that into a “MaMaMaMa”. You also started shaking your head back and forth. I think you might have just realized that your head moves that way.

You are finding your own way of getting around. I can’t put you down on the floor and walk away for even a minute without finding you all the way across the room. Your dad and I are seriously needing to baby proof this house. You roll like a maniac and have started getting on your hands and knees and scooting backwards. I usually find you jammed under the coffee table (where you are surprisingly content) or stuck in a corner (which makes you mad mad mad). You are perfecting your sitting up skill. Rarely do you topple over anymore unless you are reaching really far for something.

You love when we read you books. As soon as we get one out your arms and legs start flailing around and you grin. You look back and forth between the book and whoever is reading it. I hope this passion for reading continues!

You started swimming classes this month at our gym! You really like the water and the interaction with the other babies. The instructor even dunked you under the water at your first class! You came up with look of surprise on your face but didn’t seem to mind it at all! You are the youngest and teeniest one in your class. Everyone commented on how adorable you are in your little pink bathing suit.

Lucy, I am far from being a perfect. I am trying my hardest to do what is best for you. You have made my job easy by being such a good, happy baby. I am so lucky that God picked me to be your mom.

Love,
Mommy