our miscarriage story - part 4 - moving on

It is finally over. I had very mixed emotions last night after it happened but I woke up this morning feeling so relieved and refreshed!

Right after Lucy woke up from her nap around 4:00 yesterday it started. I was putting laundry away and the cramping started to get bad. And then it got worse. Over the next hour or so I started getting pretty uncomfortable. I called Jimmy and he was stuck at work. Ugh. I couldn't do this alone with a toddler to take care of. I was terrified of how much it would hurt and the possibility of bleeding uncontrollably. The picture crossed my mind of Jimmy coming home and finding me lying in a pool of blood leaving Lucy left to fend for herself. SO...I called my aunt. She left almost immediately to come be with me. It took her about 30 minutes to get to my house and I was getting really miserable by the time she got there. I took some of the pain meds the doctor prescribed me and tried to relax. It felt just like labor. I was cramping almost continuously for about 2 full hours. Ouch. At one point I just wanted to be alone so I went upstairs and laid down with a heating pad. I laid there quietly for about half and hour and suddenly the pain stopped. Completely. I stood up and it all just came out. Thankfully, I was wearing a sofa-sized pad in case this happened and it caught everything. The idea of flushing it down the toilet seemed wrong so I wrapped it up in a ziploc bag. I thought I would be so grossed out and horrified seeing it but I wasn't at all. Plus I immediately felt so relieved. No pain, no more worry. I felt amazing.

I went downstairs to tell my aunt and got some much needed hugs from her. Jimmy got home just a few minutes later. We got to talk about everything. I thought I would be much more sad but I think the grieving process had happened for the most part when I found out. Together we looked at it. It was incredible. It wasn't gross at all. I could clearly see the placenta, the bag of water was still intact and there was a tiny little baby floating around in there. Absolutely amazing. Jimmy and I plan to have a little private burial this week. That gives me so much more closure than flushing it down the toilet.

Sorry it this has been way too much information! I had no idea what to expect. It seems like noone talks about the details. And I was really quite terrified of the "gross parts" which turned out to not be gross at all. I am even more enamored with the whole process of a human being formed than ever before!

So now it is time to move on and I am so ready. I am already planning on doing a gentle cleanse over the next couple of weeks to get myself back on track. We will try again for another baby. Maybe not soon but eventually. If I am blessed with another pregnancy I will probably spend the first several months being terrified. I will welcome the awful morning sickness because I will see that as a sign that the baby is ok. I will trust in my body again. This body carried Lucy safely for 9 months. It did not cause this miscarriage. My body knows what to do.