our miscarriage story - part 1 - just a fetus

I'm unsure of why I am compelled to tell this story. There is some kind of secrecy involved with the whole process of losing a baby but as I begin to tell my story so many women have opened up to me with shockingly similar stories. I need to do this for me. I don't want to forget these days, even though they certainly aren't easy.

So many thoughts are racing through my mind right now. It's hard to get them organized enough to put them down into a story. If I just started typing away it would be a big jumbled mess so this is going to take a bit of time. Please note that these are my raw feelings and I apologize if it isn't cohesive.

It doesn't give much comfort when people tell me that it is common and happens all the time. Losing a child should never be thought of as common. It would be almost easier for me to take the worlds view and think of that 11 week growing baby as "just a fetus" but I know in my hear that that little baby, that son or daughter of mine, was a tiny person. Just because he or she was unable to thrive outside of my womb doesn't make him or her any less of a person, a person with a soul who is thriving in heaven right now.

So here's my story. I will have to continue it over several parts as my story isn't over yet. My body still has a lot of work to do to finish it, so that I can be done and completely ready to move on.

I knew over a week before I finally called the doctor that I the baby wasn't ok. I didn't have any of the symtpoms yet. I wasn't bleeding, I wasn't cramping, I just wasn't feeling anything. In fact, I didn't feel pregnant at all except for the obvious little bump I could feel in my belly, not even visible on the outside yet. I actually felt great. My morning sickness was gone completely, my energy was back. I didn't feel pregnant. When people asked me how I was feeling (and if you've been pregnant you know how very often that questions is asked), my response was "great". I kind of felt like I was lying when I said the pregnancy was going great because that little voice inside of me was telling me that something wasn't right. I just had to wait for some symptoms before I was ready to move to the next step.

And they came. On tuesday night I started to bleed. Not much, but enough to know that it had begun. I prepared myself a little bit mentally and tried to prepare Jimmy by telling him what I was feeling. I'm certain he didn't believe me, telling me that everything's ok but to make an appointment with the doctor in the morning. With my mind racing a mile a minute, I didn't sleep well that night. I called the office first thing Wednesday morning. Of course they wanted to see me right away so I was all set with an appointment at 1:20.

A couple of things happened on Wednesday that I can look back on and be so thankful for. First, my aunt (who works in my ob office) saw my name on the list for the day and called me right away. She was working until noon and offered to come watch Lucy in the afternoon. I didn't realize that I would be at the office for nearly 3 hours that day and right in the middle of Lucy's naptime which would have been awful for both of us. Also, I came so close to dropping my cellphone in the toilet just as I was leaving for the doctor. I know of countless iphones users whose phones have met there demise in the tiniest amount of water. I witnessed a miracle...the phone fell out of my pocked, bounces off both sides of the toilet seat and landed on the floor. I know this seems like a silly thing but without that phone, I would have gotten this news alone in the doctors office without anyone to reach out to.