our miscarriage story - part 2 - confirmation

I got in my car on Wednesday afternoon to drive to the doctor's office. On the way there I called my dear friend Kari and told her why I was going in. She is such a blessing, and although our friendship has had it's up and downs over the years, she is always there for me when I need a friend. She offered to come with me but was at home with a toddler, a broken arm, pregnant, and a sick husband. I knew I needed to go alone.

I sat in the waiting room for a bit. Women coming and going with big round bellies. I've always been enamored with the pregnant bellies but never like this before. I couldn't help but hope that they knew how blessed they are.

I finally got into the office. The doctor came in, asked some questions, looked a little worried, and did an exam. She said everything looked ok (cervix closed, uteris still full) but set me up with an ultrasound in the office. So back to the waiting room I went, while those big baby bellies paraded in and out of the room.

After what felt like an hour of waiting, I heard my name and followed the ultrasound tech back to the dark quiet room. The same room where I had seen Lucy. She was always so wiggly on the screen. And adorable. A perfect little person tucked away safely in my womb.

She asked me a couple of questions. Yes, a little cramping, yes, a little bleeding, yes, 11 weeks. She turned on the machine and started looking at my insides. She moved the wand around, back and forth, took some measurements, none of it making any sense to me. My mind had already been prepared for the worse...I knew I wasn't going to see a wiggly baby. She turned the part on that shows the heartbeat, that little red, flashing, unmistakable sign of life, and there was nothing. Just blackness. I caught the tech out of the corner of my eye quietly scratch her head. I thought "oh, that poor girl has to tell me horrible news". She pushed the machine aside and turned to me and said "This is going to come as a big shock to you but I couldn't find any heart tones". And my heart broke the rest of the way. I was finally able to start to grieve.