Emptiness

I don't want to be one of those people who goes through a tough time, becomes jaded and isn't happy for others.

I am truly happy for all my expecting mom friends. And literally 80% of my friends are pregnant right now. Or maybe it just seems that way. So many are due in late July or early August...the same time that I would have been due. I keep hearing the updates about doctor visits, ultrasounds, hearing the heartbeat, feeling the baby move for the first time, etc. I should be experiencing these things. Instead, I'm left with a strange empty feeling. Anyone who has had a baby or lost a baby knows that feeling. I remember after I had Lucy feeling such a sense of relief to not be so full of baby. I could move freely, bend over to tie my shoes, walk without waddling, but I also felt empty. I missed having her move around, the constant comfort that she was safely tucked away inside of my womb. It wasn't a something I thought much about because the emptiness was replaced with a baby constantly in my arms.

The thing is, I'm not even really sad when I have this thought on my mind. It's just a strange feeling. Like something should be happening and it isn't. I just feel a bit like I'm missing out on something. I would be finding out soon what the sex would be. And in my heart I knew "it" was a she.

I am finally starting to feel like trying again. Yes, I will be a paranoid mess throughout the whole pregnancy.

This is kind of a downer of a post. I seriously don't feel sad at all. My heart is so full of joy right now with how amazing my husband and my little Lucy are. Spring is (feeling like it is) here and I have this weight lifted off of my shoulders that the dark, snowy weather brings on me. Spending time outside, the fresh air, having the windows open and being inspired to do so many things that just seemed like too much of a hassle during the long winter months. Even Lucy has become so much happier this week. She feels it too.